The web pages of Stephen Penney


My Wife Jokes

Bloke 1: My wife's gone to the West Indies.
Bloke 2: Jamaica?
Bloke 1: No, she went of her own accord!

Woman 1: My husband's gone to Central Asia.
Woman 2: Tibet?
Woman 1: Well, he might visit the occasional casino...

Fella 1: Where's your wife going on holiday?.
Fella 2: Alaska.
Fella 1: No it's alright, I'll ask her myself.

Gambler 1: My mate's going to a casino in the South of France.
Gambler 2: Toulouse?
Gambler 1: No, to win hopefully. What are you, some kind of idiot?

Person A: Oh, I see you're eating Fordwests. Did you get them on
holiday in West Wales?
Person B: Haverfordwest
Person A: No thanks, I don't like them.
Person B: Shut up.

Person A : My Wife's gone to the west Indies.
Person B : But you haven't got a wife.
Person A : Oh.....

Fan A: My wife's singing a beatles song in Wales
Fan B: Pen Y Lan?
Fan A: No, She loves you
Fan B: Well why is she married to you then?

Person A : My wife died
Person B : Good.

Person 1: Me and my wife went on Holiday to Wales.
Person 2: Bangor?
Person 1: Mind your own business.

Person 1: I force fed my wife two pints of a Mexican spirit.
Person 2: Tequila?
Person 1: No, just to get her drunk.

Bloke 1: My sons gone to Nigeria.
Bloke 2: Ibadan?
Bloke 1: No, he's alright.

Woman: My friends gone to Maldives.
Newsagent: Male?
Woman: No, she's female

Friend 1: My wife's gone to Ethiopia
Friend 2: Mega?
Friend 1: No I'm quite upset about it actually.

Bloke 1: My wife's gone to Kazachstan.
Bloke 2: Steppes ?
Bloke 1: No she went by plane !

Pervert 1: My brother's gone on holiday to Southern India.
Pervert 2: Cochin ?
Pervert 1: If he's lucky !

Bloke 1: My wife's gone to a island off the coast of India.
Bloke 2: Andaman?
Bloke 1:No on her own !

Complete fool: I've just been on holiday to Northern Afghanistan with my wife.
Complete idiot: Mary ?
Complete fool: No, mungo and midge !

Tourist: Me and my wife are visiting some of the British South Atlantic islands
Local Merchant: Gough ?
Tourist: No it wasn't me. Anyway who ever smelt it dealt it.

Businessman 1: My wife's got a job working for a utilities company in India
Businessman 2: HYDERABAD?
Businessman 1: Yes, but this is a different one.

Man 1: My wife's left me and gone to India
Man 2: Raipur?
Man 1: No, she just got sick of living with me.

Maniac: I've told my wife to shave off her pubic hair in Iran.
Bus driver: Bandar-e-busher?

Benson: My wife's left me for a bloke called Gary and they've gone off to live in India.
Hedges: Garyarsa?
Benson: I shouldn't think so.

Chaz: My wife's had an accident in India.
Dave: Indore?
Chaz: No in the garden.

Bloke: My wife's left me for a bloke called Gary, they've gone to Canada.
Chap: Calgary?
Bloke: I'm thinking about it.

My wife's discovered a fountain of beer in South Africa.
Bitterfontein?
No, Lager.

My wife's gone on a gambling holiday in Italy.
Cassino?
No, a bridge club.

My wife's gone to Malta.
Valletta?
No, but she went anyway.

Me and my wife have been eating out a lot in Cardiff.
Cathays?
No, Restaurants mainly.

My dog's been making a rea'ly strange bark when ever I take it through a certain area of Cardiff.
Roath?
No, its more of a Roooaarraitthh.

My pen's made a strange mark on all my work, so I'm taking it back to the shop in South Cardiff.
Splott?
No, more of a squiggle.

My wife's gone missing in Europe, no-ones seen her for ages. I've got my mates Timmy, Andrew and James looking for her, but no luck yet, she could be anywhere.
Timmisaura?
Really, when?

My son fell into a volcano in the czeck republic.
Bratislava?
Probably is by now.

This bloke in Russia has been libellous about my wife sue.
Susuman?
She might do.

My wife's sneaked off on holiday to Ireland without telling me
Sligo
Yes it was !

My wife's gone to France to have plastic surgery.
Brest
No she's having a nose job !

My wife's been sexually assaulted whilst on holiday in northern Denmark
Thisted
No straight sex !

My wife's on holiday in Sicily
Messina?
No glad of the break

My wife's on holiday in Yemen
Sayhut
Hut !

My wife's been beaten up whilst on holiday in Madagasca
Morondava
I don't know the police haven't caught him yet

A: My wife's gone to work.
B: Doesn't she do that everyday?
A: Yes.

A: My wife cheated on me, and she's gone to Greater Manchester
B: To Hyde?
A: No, just to visit her sister for the weekend.

A: My Wife's gone to the west Indies.
B: Did you make her?
A: Yes, she was getting to be such a nuisance, I just had to get her out of the house.

A: My wife's gone to Manchester to have her eyes tested.
B: Longsight?
A: I don't know, her appointment's not until tomorrow morning.

A: My wife and I are going out for dinner in Manchester tonight.
B: Rusholme
A: I don't need to really, I'm sure she can wait

A: My wife's gone shopping in Greater Manchester
B: Sale?
A: No, she'll probably buy the most expensive things she can get.

A: My wife's gone boating in Greater Manchester
B: Sale?
A: No, she prefers to row.

A: My wife vanished into thin air!
B: Oh! Where's your leg gone?
A: Oh No! I must be disappearing too...

A: My wife's gone to the north of England.
B: Manchester?
A: Yeah, there was someone after her, but I think she escaped.

This chap told me a really crap joke in Africa.
Kikwit?
No, I just walked away.

I've been dancing in Africa.
Kankan?
No, the Tango.

I was visiting some old friends in South Africa.
Welkom?
No, they didn't recognise me and wouldn't let me in.

A goose attacked my Penis in Indonesia.
Pekalongan?
That's right.

I took up cannibalism, and ate a woman in the Caribbean
Cuba?
No, I cut her into steaks

I bought a musical instrument designed for 70s Rock in South Wales.
Glamorgan?
No, a guitar.

My wife's gone to a well-known high street shop to get some clothes.
Woollies?
No, summer clothes

My wife went shopping at a general groceries shop.
Happy shopper?
No, they didn't have what she went for.

My wife's gone to a Cambridge bookshop to buy books about young cows
Heffers?
No, calves.

I bought some cannabis from a high street pharmacy
Superdrug?
It was alright I suppose...

I bought some footwear from a highstreet chain store
Boots?
No, trainers.

We had a drinking and smoking binge after recording a cover of an Oasis song.
Cigarettes and Alcohol?
No, Cannabis and Tizer.

My wife sang an Oasis song in South America.
Columbia?
No, Supersonic.

My Wife is doing an Oasis Cover at a gig tonight.
She's Electric?
No, she's doing an acoustic set.

My wife's invented a very unintelligent snack in Scotland.
Dumfries?
No, Stupid Crisps

I was putting roofs on houses in a village in Berkshire.
Thatchem?
No, I used tiles.